Life, Loss and UltraViolet
An update on my life, business, schedule and emotional state...
WHERE I AM...
I wanted to reach out to you personally and give you an update. Every second of every day is a challenge, let alone knowing what my life and weekly schedule will be. My brain is jumbled, I have chunks of memory loss, massive waves of emotions, moments of panic attacks and deep despair. This letter may not come across the way I want it to because thoughts from beginning to end are hard for me. I have always been transparent with all of you and will continue to do so. My life has turned into SH*T, I never fathomed this would happen, that I would lose my baby boy, that this would be my life; yet here I am. The pain is unimaginable and unbearable.
I have been trying to come back to work seeing clients a couple of days a week. This is a challenge emotionally and physically. I take medication to sleep without nightmares and others to help me get through the day. It takes me quite a while to will myself out of bed to start another day, it is a huge slap of reality every morning. I need to start my days with sitting outside, watching the birds and visiting with Kolten. This is sacred time for me, I feel panicked and lost without it. This time is set aside for deep grieving, waves of emotions and conversations I need to have with him. It is draining but very necessary. I am also in therapy two days a week, again, draining but necessary. I am telling you all of this to say, I am working a limited schedule and I cannot start early in the morning. If you have a 9:30 appointment scheduled and an opportunity comes up for a later time, Lauren will be contacting you. I am taking it week by week, day by day, trying to calculate how I am feeling or anticipate how I might feel. I am not cancelling all 9:30 appointments as of right now but if you have one, the appointments are tentative, but I am trying. Most of you will see me on your upcoming scheduled appointments so please check your calendars and if you don't know or can't find it reach out to Lauren, 619-787-1447
On this note, Isabella is no longer with UltraViolet, so that puts a tighter squeeze on my schedule. She has moved on and I wish her the very best and thank her for the time and focus she put into UltraViolet and our clients. She stayed longer to help me out during this crisis and I will be forever grateful.
If you need a touch up on your skin or brows in-between now and your next appointment with me, Amanda at Radiance can see you and has access to your chart to make it as seamless as possible. She and I have spoken and wants to help where she can. You can contact Justyn ( Ashlee) or Jen to schedule with Amanda 619-347-5771
Lauren has been a saint as well. Juggling my schedule, emotions, phone calls and emails. I couldn't do this without her. Remember she is on the east coast, so her day ends at 5:00 PM EST / EDT. Occasionally she will reach out after hours but keep this in mind when contacting her. She mainly works Monday-Friday so there will be a delay in contacts over the weekend as well.
WHEN I SEE YOU...
When you do come in for your appointment, I know that no one knows what to say and how to act. I am completely broken and usually don't want to talk about it, I am just trying to get through the day. As much as I love all of you, I am not always up for a hug but you can ask. The waves of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks and doing that several times a day with each new person I see is overwhelming. I also don't expect you to come in and act like nothing has happened, my life is forever changed. You can acknowledge that. Most of you have known me and Kolten for over 21 years, almost all of his life. I know this has shaken you too.
I am broken to my core, my heart is broken, my soul is broken, I've lost faith. What I don't want is a pep talk, or anyone giving me advice or trying to fix me. Don't tell me he is in a better place, this is for the best, you don't know God's plan etc. These are very painful and not helpful. And please do not ask me what happened. If I want to open up and let you know I will. I know everyone is doing their best and is giving what they have to offer and I appreciate the love and support, but silence is ok too. My grief is uncomfortable for some, I understand that. We are navigating through new relationship waters. You are all very important to me and I know you want to help me through this, so I feel you deserve to know where I am emotionally.
If you are running low on your products the UltraViolet online store is open and I am processing and packaging orders several days a week. I appreciate every single order that comes in. The love you have for the products, the stories you share of how they have changed your skin and life helps to motivate me to push forward. Many of you have reached out personally with words of encouragement and love and every single message has been read and is deeply appreciated. Your love of UltraViolet and Kolten's love of UltraViolet is helping me rediscover my purpose.
So thank you.
I am also slowly getting back to content and skin coaching on social media, blogs and newsletters. So keep an eye out for new posts. Comment, share and save the UltraViolet vibe. I am not only trying to help as many people as possible to achieve beautiful, healthy skin, I am trying to heal and grow. Thank you for your patience.
I truly am trying.
Along side working on myself I am working on the new UltraViolet vibe. A new look, new energy, some new names ( same great formulas), with a bigger focus on being UltraViolet. I am dedicating the line and brand to Kolten; he was, is and always will be UltraViolet. His light is the brightest I have ever known. I have been challenged to my core of what being UltraViolet is about, but I will find it for YOU, ME and for KOLTEN. I have to. My goal is the launch the new vibe in September...
so keep an eye out.
Here is something my therapist sent me to share with loved ones as we navigate through this tremendous loss. I hope you take a moment to read it, whether it helps you with me or with someone else, it is worth knowing.
1. Educate yourself about what your grieving friend is going through. Read books on grief, listen to tapes, talk with others who have grieved. You can expect your grieving friend to be emotional, raw, restless and unpredictable. Don't expect normalcy too soon. Your friend may want to be with you sometimes and alone at others. He or she may want to talk sometimes and remain silent with you at others. Take your friend's lead.
2. It is important to acknowledge the death and the impact it has had on your friend. Recognize that your friend is in an altered state. Understand if you can that moods will shift abruptly and that simple contact can be greatly soothing. Express interest in your friend's feelings and concerns. Remember that you don't have to make your friend feel better. If your friend cries, be as supportive as you can. If your friend needs to talk, listen. Be trustworthy with confidences. Avoid giving lots of advice, even though you may feel impelled to do this because you feel helpless in the face of so much pain.
3. Help in small ways. You can bring meals and flowers, offer to do errands, send cards, and check in regularly by phone.
4. Be willing to admit your helplessness in the situation and be honest if you feel overwhelmed or frightened by the intensity of your friend's feelings. You may need to pull back for a while. If so, let your friend know that you are doing this.
5. Try not to take rejection personally. Many people who are grieving don't have the energy to be considerate or nice.
6. Your friendship will probably change throughout your friend's grief. Some friendships deepen, but some drift away. Grieve the loss of the old friendship an be open to changes.